Dawn of a New Day

So I've been awake since about 5, I've already taken the dogs on a long walk and straightened up a bit so now I'm sitting here alone in my thoughts, snuggled up on the couch with my lil man Bauer, as Boomer sits in his window perch policing the neighborhood and listening to the falling rain.
As I sit and think and reflect about yesterday's news a wave of sadness rolls over me but I also feel somewhat calm too. It doesn't seem fair that this keeps happening to us, but I also think that there is a reason it didn't work, there was probably something wrong with the embryos and it wasn't in God's plan for them to grow. Part of me freaks out, I'm already 30, each day I get older, making my fertility problems worse, and I snowball into a a bunch of stressful scenarios. On the other hand, I haven't given up hope that this will happen for us someday, people get pregnant when they're 50 these days, so I know I have more time. Waiting for when it's our time just sucks, but I must say, I've gotten used to waiting, so what's a little more time?
Rhett came home last night, wrapped me in a hug, and poured me a glass of wine. What the hell, I thought, I can take a break from my fertility-friendly diet. We went out to a bar near us and just sat and talked. It was just what I needed. Rhett always knows what I need and I am so grateful for him. Even though he is mourning too, he puts on a strong face, and is my rock. We've decided that we need to let fate play it's role for a while. We can't afford to do anymore IVF without any insurance coverage, so we're hoping it might happen for us when we least expect it. I plan to continue my holistic methods with acupuncture, yoga, and a healthy diet ( I am going to drink coffee every once in a while though, I owe it to myself and I miss it!) and see where it takes us. We will have good days and bad ones, moments of strength and weakness, but God-willing we'll always have each other. We have the sweetest parents, fantastic siblings, adorable dogs, and amazing friends. We don't have children, but we sure do have a lot.

We may not have it altogether, but together we have it all!

Negative is my least favorite word

Negative pregnancy test. The words keep ringing through my head, I didn't think that's what I'd hear at all. Rhett and I were so excited for today and I'm sitting here in total shock,not knowing what to feel or what to do. I can't help but have a little moment of self pity. I know we have so many blessings in our life but all I've ever wanted is to be a mom, and it's feels so unfair that for 3 and a half years we've been robbed of this right. I don't even know where we'll go from here or what our next step will be. I just wanted to thank you all so much for your kind words, your thoughts, and prayers. I am so thankful for all of you.

Waiting is the Hardest Part

It has now been 8 days since the transfer and I haven't blogged since last Monday so I guess I need to get everyone up to date...

We were able to do the transfer as my lining grew to 11 mm which is wonderful. The clinic was running really behind that day, so we had to wait quite a while. We didn't mind though. We were just so excited to be able to go through with the transfer. Everything went well, we were sent home with next step instructions, and told to make our appointment for the pregnancy blood test for Friday, December 2nd. I came home and was pampered by Rhett and my mom for the remainder of the week. My mom cleaned the whole house and made a lovely Thanksgiving meal.There were many laughs shared between the three of us, and I felt totally at ease. It was so great having so much together time! I'm so blessed to have such a great family.

I went back to school this past Monday and have been so tired! I know it's just the getting back into the swing of things, and the fact that I was on bed rest all break and now on my feet a ton more at school! It has seemed as though the days are just dragging by, I can't wait for Friday to come! Of course I'm nervous too but I'm staying positive and telling myself it will be wonderful news. I get the blood test at 9 a.m. but won't know the results until later that day. Please keep praying and sending your thoughts! Love to you all!

Here are some pictures from transfer day!

T-Day

T-day is upon us, not Turkey Day just yet, but transfer day. The past couple days have been good, but I can't lie and say I haven't been a but anxious to see what is going to pop up on that Ultrasound screen. I have gone to acupuncture a few times, had a blood-enhancing massage, and been practicing an eastern healing technique called a "moxa stick" that was given to me by my acupuncturist. It looks like a cigar and you light it and hold over your stomach and turn it in a clockwise motion, just not too close as not to burn yourself! It's purpose is to bring blood to that area to build up the lining, so here's to hoping all these things that I've been trying have worked and we'll get the green flag to do our transfer today. I received the call yesterday and we are to go into F.C.I. at 11:45 for our ultrasound and then if all looks well we will do the transfer at 12:45. I am very hopeful and trying to stay as positive as I can and not let my mind wander to the dreaded "what if" questions and just live each moment at a time. I am going this morning for acupuncture and then we are going to grab some breakfast and head into F.C.I. If you get a chance around 11:45 central time, please send us a prayer, good vibe, positive thought, or whatever it is you might practice. I've felt all your positive energy and prayers and I can't thank you enough! Go team snow babies... rounding third and headed for home!?!

Here is a pic of the moxa stick!

Full of Good Intentions

When everything was going fine and dandy with our cycle, it was so easy to be positive and upbeat. It's the times where things are shaky that it takes a little more effort to find balance within myself and think happy thoughts. As we await our Tuesday Ultrasound to find out if the transfer will occur, it is easy to let the little demon named anxiety rear it's ugly head. With the help of my wonderful husband and other supportive members of my family and friends, I am remaining as positive as I can and thinking and visualizing happy thoughts and results.
I feel so blessed to have come upon the holistic fertility center I go to called, "Pulling Down the Moon." This place has become a second home to me during these trying times. They offer a wealth of fertility services such as acupuncture, yoga, nutrition, massage, and reiki. I have done all services but the reiki (but think it sounds cool!). When I walk in they know my name and the incense, friendly smiles, and soothing music instantly puts me at ease.
This past weekend they held a tree trimming event at Brookfield Zoo where you create an ornament and place your special intention inside. Rhett and I had a blast making these and going to the zoo to hang them. It felt good to release our intention out into the world and know that many others share our hopes and dreams of parenthood as we saw the many other decorated ornaments on the tree. This couldn't have happened at a more perfect time for us. It filled us with hope, joy, and the spirit of Christmas.
I know that I cannot control the fate of this cycle, I can control my attitude. At yoga today I shared our story and feeling the support from the other women was touching. I know I will be devastated if this cycle fails, but I refuse to give up. We will create our own, perfect child in time. It's finding the acceptance that we must wait til it's our time that's tough. Thank you for your continued thoughts and prayers. So many people have reached out and sent heartfelt messages, texts,and calls. Your kindness means more than you know. Please keep praying that Tuesday is the day our wish comes true...

With Love,

Bails

Here are some pictures of our ornaments. On one we wrote; "Hope, love, faith, and blessings. The other says, Dreams Really Do Come True."

Walking a Thin Line

As you probably remember reading from a previous post, "Perfect 10" my uterine lining was looking nice and thick and everything was going as planned for our scheduled transfer on the 22nd. However, this past Wednesday I went to the doctor and my lining had gone down to 8mm, which is good, but obviously not as good as my beautiful 10mm lining from the previous week. We want a nice, thick lining so that there is more room for our precious little snow babies to implant. The doctor and nurse didn't seem to concerned with this change of events, saying it was so slight, and my lining still looked great and we were set to go for our transfer. I wasn't so satisfied with this answer and requested to come in for another Ultrasound yesterday. I am glad that I did, because my lining has continued to shrink. Now it is only a 6.9. They can still do the transfer but obviously this is not the ideal lining, and if it continues to go down next week, we won't be able to do it at all. They did put me on an additional estrogen pill in the hopes that it will thicken up by Tuesday's transfer.
The plan is for me to come in an hour before transfer so that I may have an ultrasound to look at my lining. If it looks good, they will go ahead and thaw the embyros, if not, we will have to cancel the transfer and start all over.
I am trying so hard to stay positive, but it's hard. I was completely blindsided by this and feel so helpless, all we can do is hope and pray. Rhett is trying his best to keep me grounded and settled as he always does. I guess all we can do is wait. Please pray for a thick lining for these little ones, they want to come home :)

Let the Relaxing Begin!

This past week was parent/teacher conference week. For those of you that are teachers, have been teachers, or are close to a teacher know the craziness that is conference week. I had conferences every day after school, which left me feeling very tired each night, but also fulfilled. It is a joy to see parents light up when you say something nice about their child, to see that proud mama or daddy look, when you confirm what they already know, their child is wonderful. I can't wait to someday be on the other side of that conference table and hear praise for our perfect children too.
Now that being said, when 3:40 hit yesterday I am not going to lie and tell you I didn't jump for joy and rush out of school to let Thanksgiving Break begin, because, well, I did! This year we have today and all of next week for Thanksgiving Break (and in some cases, i.e. me, bed rest). The transfer is this Tuesday the 22nd, at around 12:45, but we'll get the exact time on Monday, so I'll be sure to post that info when I know it. I am so looking forward to, as it states in my phone calendar, "the day we get preggers" but in the meantime I have a few days filled with acupuncture, abdominal massage, lunch with a yoga friend today, and if I feel so inclined a little cleaning... don't hold your breath on that last one.. haha.
I laid in bed this morning trying to fall back to sleep from my 5:00 a.m. wake-up call from two furry members of my family that will remain nameless... when I began to think about all I am thankful for this year, my family, friends, job, house, and all the people that have played a role in our infertility journey, I thank you all for being you and supporting us in all aspects of our lives. I just know that next year when I am giving thanks there will be a new member or members of our family that Rhett and I will be especially thankful for!

Happy Friday!

Bails