So I've been awake since about 5, I've already taken the dogs on a long walk and straightened up a bit so now I'm sitting here alone in my thoughts, snuggled up on the couch with my lil man Bauer, as Boomer sits in his window perch policing the neighborhood and listening to the falling rain.
As I sit and think and reflect about yesterday's news a wave of sadness rolls over me but I also feel somewhat calm too. It doesn't seem fair that this keeps happening to us, but I also think that there is a reason it didn't work, there was probably something wrong with the embryos and it wasn't in God's plan for them to grow. Part of me freaks out, I'm already 30, each day I get older, making my fertility problems worse, and I snowball into a a bunch of stressful scenarios. On the other hand, I haven't given up hope that this will happen for us someday, people get pregnant when they're 50 these days, so I know I have more time. Waiting for when it's our time just sucks, but I must say, I've gotten used to waiting, so what's a little more time?
Rhett came home last night, wrapped me in a hug, and poured me a glass of wine. What the hell, I thought, I can take a break from my fertility-friendly diet. We went out to a bar near us and just sat and talked. It was just what I needed. Rhett always knows what I need and I am so grateful for him. Even though he is mourning too, he puts on a strong face, and is my rock. We've decided that we need to let fate play it's role for a while. We can't afford to do anymore IVF without any insurance coverage, so we're hoping it might happen for us when we least expect it. I plan to continue my holistic methods with acupuncture, yoga, and a healthy diet ( I am going to drink coffee every once in a while though, I owe it to myself and I miss it!) and see where it takes us. We will have good days and bad ones, moments of strength and weakness, but God-willing we'll always have each other. We have the sweetest parents, fantastic siblings, adorable dogs, and amazing friends. We don't have children, but we sure do have a lot.
We may not have it altogether, but together we have it all!