Saturday, March 26, 2011

Spring Break!

 So yesterday officially began my Spring Break and I am so thrilled! Although we aren't going anywhere, I am still excited to relax, sleep in, and just do whatever I want! I wish my poor hubby could get a few days off too, he works too hard! I am hoping this summer he can take a few days off so we can go somewhere together.

 I'm officially back into the swing of exercising and I feel great! I wish it were warmer because running on the treadmill is really getting old, but temps in the 30's are taking over this weeks forecast, I did see temps in the 50's by next weekend, so I am pretty pumped about that! Rhett and I signed up for the Race to Wrigley in a few weeks, it's only a 5k but will be fun to run a race again, it's been a while! I've been mixing up my training with a combination of running and cross-training. This week I am going to be adding in some Bikram Yoga ( 100 degree yoga, it's amazing) and some spin classes. I am trying to slowly work my way up and take care of myself so as not to injure myself! Thanks so much to everyone who has donated, it is so touching and really helps to motivate me. On days I don't feel like running after a long day of work I think of those sick kids in a hospital bed and I get my booty to the gym! I've had my good and bad days since the miscarriage and I know Rhett has too, but over all we're doing great and just taking care of each other. I've tried to just count my blessings and not the things we don't have and it's made me realize we really are blessed. And just so you know when I'm counting my blessings, I count all of you!! You're the best thanks for reading and have a great Saturday night!

Some of you have asked for the link again ( I'll send an email soon!)

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Life Goes On!

 One door has closed and another opened. We went to the doctor this week for the last time in a long while. We had the ultrasound and bloodwork and all looks good. I am officially no longer pregnant. So saying it "looks good" is kind of an ironic statement. When it became clear they we were going to lose the baby I think both of us just wanted the process to be done with. Just sitting and waiting for it to happen was the worst. We both are mourning the loss, but I think we grow stronger and more at terms with it everyday. We know there is a plan for us, and we are ready to stop fighting it and just let life happen.

 Speaking of life... guess who actually has one again? US! The nurse called me on Wednesday and said according to my bloodwork results I should be good to start training for the marathon. So ladies and gentlemen... I'm back! They said Friday would be the first day exercise would be safe so I dusted off my running shoes, laced those puppies up, and away I went. It has been awesome to be back in the game. I feel so amazing after a run and I am so excited to be training for the marathon! Here is my link again if you want to donate and support my cause!
I will also be sending out an email soon with the link! A shout out to Sarah, Rob, and Lucy for already donating! You are going to make some sick children very happy! In other news Rhett and I went out with our friends last night, it seems like it had been forever since we went out, had some adult beverages and let loose with our friends. It was so nice to see everyone and feel their love and support! We of course are saddened by our loss but feel like we are in control of our lives for the first time in a long time and it actually kinda feels amazing.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

The "Race" to Recovery

 "It's not how many times you get knocked down, it's what you do when you get back up." I have heard this quote many times before and always loved it. Now, it takes on a whole new meaning. The past three years for Rhett and I have been a series of peaks and lows, of excitements and disappointments, and at times, let's face it, I felt like I was literally knocked down... hard. Each time we got back up, a little bruised but ready for another fight. But sometimes you have to look truth and the face and see, I might be fighting a losing battle here.

   After this last rather brutal "knock down" it was much harder to get back up, but once I decided to brush myself off, steady on one leg and then the other, I decided not to walk back towards the same fight, I'm going to run, in the other direction. When I say run, I mean literally. I have signed up to run the Chicago Marathon on October 9, 2011 and will begin training as soon as my doctor gives me the "go-ahead".

   For years I have set a goal of being a mom. We have tried and tried to accomplish this, but can't seem to make it happen. I decided to set on a mission to accomplish a new goal, one I have always dreamed of achieving, and one I know I can do. So I will be running, A LOT. I have chose to raise money for the Children's Memorial Hospital. It does not seem to be our time to have a child, so I would like to help the millions of children out there who are sick and are need of great care. I really am excited to take all of my energy and place it towards this goal. I can't wait to start! This is my donation page, every little bit helps!

  Rhett and I are going to be taking the rest of 2011 to do things together and enjoy each other more. We hope to take a trip, save some money (instead of give it all to fertility treatments) and relax and regroup. We plan to do another frozen cycle in January, but until then, it's us time. We will be parents some day, but right now we are on baby hiatus. To come to this conclusion was hard, to say the least but now that we've made it, we feel relieved, and rejuvenated and ready to put a bookmark in this chapter, and come back to it at a later time. I am feeling very quotie today! Here's another favorite, 
"Everything will be okay in the end, if it's not okay, well then it's not the end."

P.S. don't worry the blog goes on!!

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Limbo Land

 Well, it's been a while since I've posted and it's time for an update. I went to the doctor on Monday for a follow-up scan. They detected a small spec that they believed to be the gestational sac in the uterus and couldn't detect anything anywhere else as far as the tubes go. I spoke with the doctor and he said although it can't be ruled out, it is looking that the pregnancy is in the uterus and not the tubes. He said he wanted to see me again on Wednesday for a further scan to keep monitoring me closely, as an ectopic can be a very dangerous thing if undetected. He also told me that given that I am 6 weeks along and the baby was only measuring at 4 weeks and no heartbeat could be detected, along with my low numbers, it was time to let go and cut the meds. The medications I am on were basically just prolonging the inevitable, a miscarriage. This was very hard to hear, but I think I knew deep down that this was coming. I left the doctor that day feeling numb, I couldn't even cry. To know that I just have to wait for the miscarriage to happen is awful and to also still not know if this ectopic is terrible too.

 Rhett and I just want answers and want some closure. We went to the doctor yesterday hoping to get a definitive answer and still have none. They did another scan and still saw the black area in my uterus but saw another small black area near my tubes. The doctor said the area near the tubes was most likely a cyst ( I have tons of those given my condition) and he is about 95% percent sure that it is in fact a uterine pregnancy. We have to go back on Tuesday for follow up bloodwork and ultrasound. Most likely by that time I will have already miscarried. The first time I had a miscarriage two years ago was horrible, but at least I didn't see it coming,  just sitting and knowing at any moment it will happen, is unbearable. Rhett and I had questions for the doctors as far as why this keeps happening, and they don't know. It is possible that it could be a gene that one of us is passing on, but would require very expensive testing to know and if we are there is not much you can even do. We left the doctor feeling like we aren't sure if we even want to go forward with all this. For three years this has been all consuming, in and out of doctors, waiting for test results, disappointments and heartache. We are playing in our minds what we want to do going forward. We may decide to do one more cycle, but will be taking a break for a while. We want a life back and to focus on us for a while. One day we will be parents, it just might not be in the way we had always pictured, and we will always have our two angel babies in heaven to watch over us. We know that God has a plan for us and this just might not be it. It is hard to think that could be the case, but you get to the point in life when you have to just surrender and know what's meant to be will be. I do know that I have the most amazing partner and for that I will forever be blessed. I married my best friend and as long as I have him, my life is complete.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Life Can Be "Nutty"

 So Friday is my favorite day of the week, well usually. I really could have done without this past Friday to say the least....

 I went into FCI to have my bloodwork and it came back at 999, meaning it only went up 170 points since my last visit. It should have doubled and been around 1,500 or 1,600. The nurse said this doesn't look promising. She also said these numbers can mean a failing pregnancy or it can still mean ectopic. I told her I have been having slight bouts of pinching feelings on one side, nothing severe though. At her advice I am going in tomorrow morning for a scan to see if they can detect anything. If they still can't see anything in the uterus, they will use a special tool to detect where blood flow is going, which will pinpoint where the pregnancy probably is located and then steps will be taken from there. I was digesting all this information on my way home and not really knowing what to make of it. Should I feel pregnant? Should I not? Should I feel angry, sad, scared? It is all very overwhelming.

  My mind still swirling with thoughts of my conversation with the nurse, I open the door to our condo to find Boomer had vomited all over and had chewed up countless plastic bags. He seemed to be feeling guilty more than anything, but as the night wore on he continued to vomit and it became bloody. At that point, Rhett and I knew he had to go to the ER. We knew our lil man was really "under the weather" when we walked in to find a Bernese Mountain Dog in the waiting room and Boomer did not so much as growl or turn his head. Boomer hates big dogs and tries to kill them any chance he gets. The vet did X-rays on Boom and found something suspicious. They sent us home and kept Boomer there to give him an IV and repeat the X-Rays. They called around 1:00 Saturday afternoon and decided that surgery really was  necessary. They went in and extracted wait for it..... A BRAZIL NUT. (hence the title for this post)  For those of you who don't know, that is the really huge one, that is shaped almost like a toe. He had ate it whole. I must have dropped one and he found it somewhere. We went to visit him last night after we saw "The Adjustment Bureau" (highly recommend it) and he was still heavily sedated. But he was wrapped in a blanket and cuddling with a stuffed animal. He looked so sweet. They said he is doing well and should be able to come home today but will have to wear a cone, poor guy! We are going to go visit him soon and check on him, I can't wait to have him back home.

 Thanks for all your comments, texts, and calls. I apologize I haven't really talked to anyone. I haven't really been up for talking, but knowing you are thinking of us, gives us great solace. Have a wonderful Sunday.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Waiting Game

 Waiting is something I have never been good at, and when it comes to knowing about what's going on with your pregnancy it's unbearable. We went to the doctor today hoping to see confirmation that the pregnancy is in the uterus where it should be and not in the fallopian tubes, but they couldn't tell either way via ultrasound because they said it is probably too early. They usually don't do a scan until 6 weeks, but because my numbers were so low, they wanted to do a scan early. So now I have to wait another week to go back and have the scan again. The doctor said my lining is very thick which makes him believe the pregnancy is in my uterus, but we can't know for sure until we see it, a "seeing is believing" kind of situation. He also said we aren't giving up, but with my numbers having started out so low, he would be surprised if this was a "good pregnancy" meaning, he doubts a baby will come of it, but is keeping hope. He said in his experience he had one woman with a beginning HCG of 16 go on to have a baby, and mine was at 15.8. So if our precious little one or ones make it, we will be setting a new record for the clinic. I really hope they do. I try to stay positive but am pretty upset today. Hearing those words felt like a dagger in my heart. We've worked so hard for this pregnancy, and I don't want to give up on it, but I also don't want to give out false hope. Please pray for us! There are miracles and I hoping we experience one.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Voting Time

 So I went to the doctor yesterday for repeat bloodwork and my HcG way more than doubled since Friday. My progesterone on the other hand, has gone down a bit. I have been getting hard masses on my skin after the injections and the nurse said it is possible it isn't getting absorbed all the way because it is building up in one lump spot. So now I am applying heat for even longer than normal afterwards to try and avoid this from happening. I didn't get a mass last night, so hopefully more was absorbed and my levels start to climb back up. Progesterone is an essential element to sustain a healthy pregnancy. The nurse said once we've had the ultrasound tomorrow we'll be able to know a lot more about the pregnancy and know what steps to take and adjustments to make if needed. I am very pleased with my hormone levels rising but am a bit concerned about the progesterone, so please pray for us, that it starts to rise again!

On a more positive note, I am really excited for the scan tomorrow and hope and pray to see great things! I thought it might be fun to take a vote on how many you think they are going to find in there!

One Bambino?

Or two?

I'll be sure to update tomorrow! Please keep the prayers coming!