Thursday, March 10, 2011

Limbo Land

 Well, it's been a while since I've posted and it's time for an update. I went to the doctor on Monday for a follow-up scan. They detected a small spec that they believed to be the gestational sac in the uterus and couldn't detect anything anywhere else as far as the tubes go. I spoke with the doctor and he said although it can't be ruled out, it is looking that the pregnancy is in the uterus and not the tubes. He said he wanted to see me again on Wednesday for a further scan to keep monitoring me closely, as an ectopic can be a very dangerous thing if undetected. He also told me that given that I am 6 weeks along and the baby was only measuring at 4 weeks and no heartbeat could be detected, along with my low numbers, it was time to let go and cut the meds. The medications I am on were basically just prolonging the inevitable, a miscarriage. This was very hard to hear, but I think I knew deep down that this was coming. I left the doctor that day feeling numb, I couldn't even cry. To know that I just have to wait for the miscarriage to happen is awful and to also still not know if this ectopic is terrible too.

 Rhett and I just want answers and want some closure. We went to the doctor yesterday hoping to get a definitive answer and still have none. They did another scan and still saw the black area in my uterus but saw another small black area near my tubes. The doctor said the area near the tubes was most likely a cyst ( I have tons of those given my condition) and he is about 95% percent sure that it is in fact a uterine pregnancy. We have to go back on Tuesday for follow up bloodwork and ultrasound. Most likely by that time I will have already miscarried. The first time I had a miscarriage two years ago was horrible, but at least I didn't see it coming,  just sitting and knowing at any moment it will happen, is unbearable. Rhett and I had questions for the doctors as far as why this keeps happening, and they don't know. It is possible that it could be a gene that one of us is passing on, but would require very expensive testing to know and if we are there is not much you can even do. We left the doctor feeling like we aren't sure if we even want to go forward with all this. For three years this has been all consuming, in and out of doctors, waiting for test results, disappointments and heartache. We are playing in our minds what we want to do going forward. We may decide to do one more cycle, but will be taking a break for a while. We want a life back and to focus on us for a while. One day we will be parents, it just might not be in the way we had always pictured, and we will always have our two angel babies in heaven to watch over us. We know that God has a plan for us and this just might not be it. It is hard to think that could be the case, but you get to the point in life when you have to just surrender and know what's meant to be will be. I do know that I have the most amazing partner and for that I will forever be blessed. I married my best friend and as long as I have him, my life is complete.


  1. I am at a loss for how to comfort you both. This is so hard and so unfair. I love you both so much and you are going to be such great parents some day! I cried reading this, so beautifully expressed. Very proud of my girl!
    Love Mom

  2. Dearest Bailey and Rhett,

    I cannot find words to express the comfort that Mom and I would like to give. We know how much time, energy, faith, effort, pain and money you have invested in this and yet in the divine plan and don't ever stop believing that there is one it appears that now is not the time. You two have been troopers through all of this and maybe this disappointment is something that the good lord has destined as it certainly has grown the two of you closer something I wouldn't have believed possible and yet I can see that closeness in your writings.

    You are probably right to take some time away from all this after another cycle if you choose to do one and for the first time in many, many months enjoy life, enjoy each other and concentrate on something else.

    I believe in the inner most depth of my soul that you two will someday be parents and when that time comes we all will celebrate. For now live life to its fullest, have some fun with one another and friends, grow your careers and build a solid base. You have earned that.

    Also we truly and honestly believe that your blog has been a catharsis for all of us with hopes, prayers and desires and hopefully to you and to Rhett to know how many people have prayed, hoped, and watched the dignity and poise you have both exhibited through this process. May God comfort you during this time and may he hold you close as your journey further down life's highways. Remember that there always has to be a speed bump along the way to make us appreciate the blessings we do have. You two have many although right now it doesn't seem so, you have each other, you have true friends, you have loving parents and grandparents and unlike many you have a roof over your head, a job to consume you and food on your table. The blessing of a child will come someday a dying basketball coach once told a large gathering...." Never give up, Never Give up live each day to its fullest, each day cry a little, laugh a little and love a lot." Love You Mom & Dad/Jan and Bob