Friday, July 6, 2012

If at 4th You Don't Succeed

Well, we got the heart breaking call yesterday that our 4th attempt at IVF failed. Sad, frustrated, confused, angry.. the list of emotions I felt go on and on. I sat on the couch and cried for a while and then I did something I haven't been able to do in a while, I laced up my running shoes and hit the pavement.

I guess grief can make you do crazy things, as it was over 100 degrees yesterday and I went running at 5. It may have been a crazy choice ( I got quite a few quizzical looks from passer-bys) but it was seriously the best thing I could have done for myself. When Rhett got home we went to a cute little wine bar in Roscoe Village, and split a bottle of wine and some apps and just tried to count our blessings.

There really are no reasons this happens, sometimes I feel like I've done something wrong and am being punished, but when I glance around the crowded waiting room at the fertility center, I know this can't be true. Surely all these kind people aren't being punished, it's just one of those things that aren't fair. There are a lot of things in life that aren't fair, a child who spends their days in a hospital, a young mother who loses her battle with cancer, a hard-working family who loses their house due to financial turmoil. Really, in the grand scheme of things, we are so blessed.

As I lay awake last night I cuddled the three men in my life (Rhett, Boomer, and Bauer) and was so thankful for their health. We really are so lucky. We are of course deeply saddened, but there are 16 other frozen embryos waiting for us and pleading that we not give up, and we won't.

Give up, never! Few month break, yes, please. I intend to enjoy the rest of my summer by doing things I had to give up, running, coffee, sunbathing, drinks with girls, and just living in the moment. Dwelling on what we have-not gets you nowhere and only makes you bitter, focusing on what you have makes you fulfilled. Child or not, we've got a lot and that's more then some can claim.

Rhett is taking me to a bed and breakfast this weekend in Saugatuck,Michigan for a weekend of relaxing and us time. I am thrilled to spend it together and thankful for our wonderful neighbors, Missy and Matt that are watching the boys for us. Have a great weekend everyone! Thanks for being you, we couldn't get through times like these without all of you.
Our 2 fur babies:


  1. Well like you say babe, we've got a lot. I look forward to the future with you and getting the chance to wear those shirts again soon. Thanks everyone for your support, you help us more than you know.

  2. Dear Ones,

    As you said Bails, life isn't necessarily fair. I used to tell our boys, and Rhett in particular when things got tough the following which I borrowed from Teddy Roosevelt a man I truly admire.... Teddy once said.

    "The credit belongs to those who are actually in the arena and who strive valiantly, who know the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spend themselves on a worthy cause; who at best, know the triumph of high achievement; and who at the worst, if they fail, fail while daring greatly, so that their place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory or defeat."

    In the good Lord's grand scheme we are never given insight into our destiny, I am absolutely certain that there remain many blessings and many great things ahead for you and Rhett. Sometimes we just have to let life or the game come to us.

    So as I was always told by my Dad when I hung my head or felt a little sorry for myself...(I hope I get this right :) "When things go wrong as they often do. When the path your walking seems all uphill, when funds are low, and debts are high; you'd like to smile but you have to sigh.
    When care is pressing you down a bit.
    Rest if you must but don't you quit. Success is failure turned inside out. You can never tell how close you are; it may be near when it seems afar. So stick to the fight when you seem hardest hit - It's when times go wrong that you mustn't quit."

    Have a wonderful time in Michigan, enjoy your time together those moments are precious and help to build a lifetime of memories and know, always know you two are very much loved.

  3. I was so sad to read this post. I don't have any words of wisdom that don't sound lame and cliché, but just know that your story has reached near and far and we are all pulling for you!

    P.S. Michigan is the best place on earth and you two will have a great time!

    Dana B