Well, we got the heart breaking call yesterday that our 4th attempt at IVF failed. Sad, frustrated, confused, angry.. the list of emotions I felt go on and on. I sat on the couch and cried for a while and then I did something I haven't been able to do in a while, I laced up my running shoes and hit the pavement.
I guess grief can make you do crazy things, as it was over 100 degrees yesterday and I went running at 5. It may have been a crazy choice ( I got quite a few quizzical looks from passer-bys) but it was seriously the best thing I could have done for myself. When Rhett got home we went to a cute little wine bar in Roscoe Village, and split a bottle of wine and some apps and just tried to count our blessings.
There really are no reasons this happens, sometimes I feel like I've done something wrong and am being punished, but when I glance around the crowded waiting room at the fertility center, I know this can't be true. Surely all these kind people aren't being punished, it's just one of those things that aren't fair. There are a lot of things in life that aren't fair, a child who spends their days in a hospital, a young mother who loses her battle with cancer, a hard-working family who loses their house due to financial turmoil. Really, in the grand scheme of things, we are so blessed.
As I lay awake last night I cuddled the three men in my life (Rhett, Boomer, and Bauer) and was so thankful for their health. We really are so lucky. We are of course deeply saddened, but there are 16 other frozen embryos waiting for us and pleading that we not give up, and we won't.
Give up, never! Few month break, yes, please. I intend to enjoy the rest of my summer by doing things I had to give up, running, coffee, sunbathing, drinks with girls, and just living in the moment. Dwelling on what we have-not gets you nowhere and only makes you bitter, focusing on what you have makes you fulfilled. Child or not, we've got a lot and that's more then some can claim.
Rhett is taking me to a bed and breakfast this weekend in Saugatuck,Michigan for a weekend of relaxing and us time. I am thrilled to spend it together and thankful for our wonderful neighbors, Missy and Matt that are watching the boys for us. Have a great weekend everyone! Thanks for being you, we couldn't get through times like these without all of you.
Our 2 fur babies: